hi friends

this is what i got from a new book

i hope you will like it ...

santosh sutar

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way--that is not easy.
                                                                                                                        -Aristotle

ANGER : THE ENEMY WITHIN

INTRODUCTION

1.         The success of an individual depends to a great extent on how well he or she conducts herself while interacting with others and the society as a whole. Human beings are a bundle of emotions and react to situations around them. Any observer of human emotions recognizes that certain circumstances and actions by others seem to make us mad. How we deal with stress, disappointments, and frustration determines the essence of our personality. Anger may do more harm than any other emotion. First of all it is very common and, secondly, it upsets at least two people--the aggressor and the aggressed against. There are two problems viz. how to prevent or control your anger and how to handle someone aggressing against you.

2.         Anger is feeling mad in response to frustration or injury. You don't like what has happened and usually you'd like to get revenge. Anger is an emotional-physiological-cognitive internal state; it is separate from the behavior it might prompt. In some instances, angry emotions are beneficial; if we are being taken advantage of, anger motivates us to take action (not necessarily aggressive) to correct the situation.  The overall effects of anger are enormous. Frustration tells us "I'm not getting what I want" and eventually anger is related to violence, crime, spouse and child abuse, divorce, stormy relationships, poor working conditions, poor physical health (headaches, hypertension, GI disturbances, heart attacks), emotional disorders, and so on. We have become prejudiced and have started distrusting and disliking others on even trivial issues like looks. Even within the family, supposedly our refuge, our safe place, our source of love, there is much violence.

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HOW DOES ANGER DEVELOP

3.         Is Anger an innate entity? Certainly, most three-year-olds can throw a temper tantrum without any formal training and often even without observing a model. Is it learned? Why are the abused sometimes abusers? Does having a temper and being aggressive yield payoffs? How do we learn to suppress aggression? How can we learn to forgive others?

4.         Anger can be the result of hurt pride, of unreasonable expectations, or of repeated hostile fantasies. Besides getting our way, we may unconsciously use anger to blame others for our own shortcomings, to justify oppressing others, to boost our own sagging egos, to conceal other feelings, and to handle other emotions (as when we become aggressive when we are afraid). Any situation that frustrates us, especially when we think someone else is to blame for our loss, is a potential trigger for anger and aggression.

5.         So, what is frustration? It is the feeling we get when we don't get what we want, when something interferes with our gaining a desired and expected goal. It can be physical (a flat tire), our own limitations (paralysis after an accident), our choices (an unprepared for and flunked exam), others' actions (parental restrictions or torturing a political prisoner), others motives (deception for a self-serving purpose), or society's injustice (born into poverty and finding no way out).

Anger Vs Aggression

6.            Aggression is action, i.e. attacking someone or a group and is intended to harm someone. It can be a verbal attack--insults, threats, sarcasm, or attributing nasty motives to them--or a physical punishment or restriction. While aggression is usually a result of anger, it may be "cold" and calculated, for example, the judge who sentences a criminal, the unfaithful spouse, the merchant who overprices a product, or the unemotional gang attack. To clarify aggression, some writers have classified it according to its purpose: instrumental aggression (to get some reward, not to get revenge), hostile aggression (to hurt someone or get revenge), and annoyance aggression (to stop an irritant). When our aggression becomes so extreme that we lose self-control, it is said that we are in a ‘Rage’.

8.         Anger can also be distinguished from ‘Hostility’ which is a chronic state of anger. Anger is a temporary response, which we all have, to a particular frustrating situation whereas ‘Hostility’ is a permanent personality characteristic which certain people have.

HOW ANGRY ARE YOU

9.         We know when we are very mad, but anger and aggression come in many forms, some quite subtle. There are so many frustrations in our daily lives; one could easily become chronically irritated. Perhaps more important than the variety of things that anger us, is       (a) the intensity of our anger and (b) the degree of control we have over our anger. That is, how close are we to losing control?

10.       How much of temper do you have? You can find for yourself by answering the following:

(a)      Do you have a quick or a hot temper? Do you suppress or hide your anger (passive-aggressive or victim)?

(b)      Do you get irritated when someone gets in your way? Fails to give you credit for your work? Criticizes your looks or opinions or work? Gives themselves advantages over you?

(c)      Do you get angry at yourself when you make a foolish mistake? Do poorly in front of others? Put off important things? Do something against your morals or better judgment?

(d)      Do you consume alcohol or use drugs? Do you get angry or mellow when you are high?

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Finding better ways to resolve anger in relationships

11.       Anger is by and large a signal which indicates that something is wrong in a relationship. Often, we are angry because we are feeling put down, neglected, dealt with unfairly, insulted, or cheated in some way. Therefore, the real problem is not the anger, but rather the task to get right whatever is wrong in the relationship. The usual ways of handling irritating circumstances in a relationship, either being "nice" or being hateful, do not ordinarily change the situation. For example, the suppression of negative feelings (being "nice") usually means being weak, passive, and compliant, which stores up more and more anger and eventually results in an ineffective hateful "explosion" or in "emotional distancing." On the other hand, the 1960's notion of "letting it all hang out" (and venting your anger) whenever you feel like it, is not only ineffective but has its hazards like low self-esteem, feeling unable to relate, and guilt.

12.       There are two basic ways of dealing with our own anger. We can:

             (a)            Prevent it.       Keep anger from welling up inside of us.

             (b)             Control it.       Modify our aggressive urges after anger erupts inside.

13.       The preventative approach sounds ideal--avoid frustrating situations, be assertive when things first annoy you, eliminate irrational ideas that arouse anger, etc. But, we can't avoid all frustrations and all thoughts that arouse anger. Secondly, in the situations where we haven't, as yet, learned to prevent an angry reaction, we seem to fall into two easily recognized categories: (a) "swallowers " or repressor-suppressor or (b) "exploders " or hotheaded expressers. Do you recognize yourself and others you are close to? The "swallowers" haven't prevented the anger, they have just hidden it--suppressed it. (Don't let the fact that "swallowers" may eventually erupt in fits of rage, much like the "exploder," confuse you.) In "exploders," angry feelings and aggressive responses are immediate--little time for prevention, little time to think about avoiding anger, the emotions just spew out.

Psychologists have listed four useful approaches to deal with Anger

            (a)             Finding out what is really bugging you (your needs, frustrations, regretted             choices, blocked dreams, etc.).

            (b)            Learning to use new, better communication skills, such as "I" statements.

            (c)            Gaining insight into your "dance of anger" and adopting new "steps" out of             the old routine.

            (d)             Recognizing both parties' efforts to maintain the status quo of destructive             fighting or passive withdrawal, rather than maturely resolving the underlying             problems.

10.       Direct behavioral signs.

            (a)            Assaultive.            Physical and verbal cruelty, rage, slapping, shoving, kicking,             hitting, threaten with a knife or gun, etc.

            (b)            Aggression:     Overly critical, fault finding, name-calling, accusing someone             of having immoral or despicable traits or motives, nagging, whining, sarcasm,             prejudice, flashes of temper.

            (c)            Hurtful.             Malicious gossip, stealing, trouble-making.

            (d)            Rebellious.      Anti-social behavior, open defiance, refusal to talk.

11.       Direct verbal or cognitive signs.

(a)            Open hatred and insults. "I hate your guts;" "I'm really mad;" "You're so damn stupid."

(b)            Contempt and disgust.                       "You're a selfish SOB;" "You are a spineless wimp, you'll never amount to anything."

(c)            Critical.          "If you really cared about me, you'd...;" "You can't trust ­­­­­__­­­­."

(d)         Suspicious.     "You haven't been fair;" "You cheated!"

(e)            Blaming.         "They have been trying to cause me trouble."

(f)            I don't get the respect I deserve.     "They just don't respect the owner (or boss or teacher or doctor) any more."

(g)          Revengeful.       "I wish I could really hurt him."

(h)            Name calling.              "Guys are jerks;" "Women are bitches;" "Politicians are self-serving liars."

12.       Thinly veiled behavioral signs.

      (a)      Distrustful, skeptical.

      (b)      Argumentative, irritable, indirectly challenging.

      (c)      Resentful, jealous, envious.

      (d)      Disruptive, uncooperative, or distracting actions.

      (e)      Unforgiving or unsympathetic attitude.

      (f)      Sulky, sullen, pouting.

      (g)      Passively resistant, interferes with progress.

      (j)      Given to sarcasm, cynical humor, and teasing.

      (k)      Judgmental, has a superior or holier-than-thou attitude.

13.       Thinly veiled verbal signs

      (a)      "No, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed, annoyed, disgusted, put out, or       irritated."

      (b)      "You don't know what you are talking about;" "Don't make me laugh."

      (c)      "Don't push me, I'll do it when I get good and ready."

      (d)      "Well, they aren't my kind of people."

      (e)      "Would you buy a used car from him?"

      (f)      "You could improve on..."

      (g)      "Unlike Social Work, my major admits only the best students."

14.            Indirect behavioral signs

      (a)      Withdrawal.       Quiet remoteness, silence, little communication especially       about feelings.

      (b)      Psychosomatic disorders.       Tiredness, anxiety, high blood pressure, heart       disease. Actually, college students with high Hostility scores had, 20 years later,       become more overweight with higher cholesterol and hypertension, had drunk more       coffee and alcohol, had smoked more cigarettes, and generally had poorer health.

      (c)      Depression and guilt.

      (d)      Serious mental illness.       Paranoid schizophrenia.

Accident-proneness and self-defeating or addictive behavior, such as drinking, over-eating, or drugs.

Vigorous, distracting activity (exercising or cleaning).

Excessively submissive, deferring behavior.

Crying.

Indirect verbal signs:

1.      "I just don't want to talk."

2.      "I'm disappointed in our relationship."

3.      "I feel bad all the time."

4.      "If you had just lost some weight."

5.      "I'm really swamped with work, can't we do something about it?"

6.      "Why does this always happen to me?"

7.      "No, I'm not angry about anything--I just cry all the time."